Loneliness changes you. It’s something many of us are continuing to come to terms with as pandemic restrictions lift and we try to remember how it used to be. Except we feel different. That’s because the years we’ve spent in isolation may have changed the structure of our brains, according to new research. In our natural state, our brain registers safety in numbers and in contrast, views isolation as a threat to our well-being. According to neuroscientists, the pandemic may have shifted that, because we began correlating isolation with safety. Now, as we begin to reintegrate, we’re beginning to discover just how drastically social distancing has changed us and how we interact with one another.
The tricky thing about defining loneliness is that it’s subjective. How we define the term depends on us and how we feel in our environments. Loneliness is different from isolation. It’s not that we are alone – it may be that we may feel unseen, undervalued, and/or experience a lack of belonging. Essentially, loneliness comes down to the perception of being alone, and can therefore persist even when you are surrounded by people. Pre-pandemic, I remember being in a conference room with 100+ people and feeling alone. It is what’s also interesting about how the term belonging is defined, “…a sense of belonging does not depend on participation with, or proximity to, others or groups,” (Rogers, 1951). You can be in a room full of people, in close proximity to others and even participating, but that doesn’t mean you won’t experience loneliness in that setting.
As human beings, we crave community. Although COVID-loneliness may have been triggered by isolation and social distancing, it continues to exist as restrictions ease because it inevitably redefined how many of us view ourselves and our connection to others and our communities. It changed our perception of belonging. Many were stuck inside with roommates, family members, partners and even strangers. But oftentimes, these interactions failed to mitigate creeping feelings of aloneness because the conversations may have been unfulfilling or there may have been a division in opinions.
Healthcare professionals have long been sounding the alarm on the consequences of long-term loneliness. Similar to other forms of stress, being lonely puts you at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It also increases your likelihood of physical ailments such as heart disease, cancer, stroke, hypertension, dementia and premature death. Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University compared the risk effects of loneliness, isolation and weak social networks to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. “The general public recognizes how loneliness might influence our levels of distress, our emotional or mental health,” Dr. Holt-Lunstad said in an interview with the New York Times. “But we probably don’t recognize the robust evidence of the effects on our physical health.”
Loneliness is taxing, physically, emotionally and economically. According to a study by AARP, the costs of medical care related to social isolation and loneliness is roughly $6.7 billion in Medicare spending. In early 2022, I conducted the Workplace Belonging Survey and found that one in four women feel lonely in the workplace. The study also revealed that less than half of Americans felt connected with others at work and only 34 per cent felt they had an ally at their workplace. These numbers suggest that loneliness and feelings of isolation are much more prevalent in our homes, communities and in our places of work.
When we connect with others, remembering that the last few years have changed all of us in ways we couldn’t have anticipated is important. Personally, I don’t know if we’ve started to process the impact of our experiences, because many of us are still experiencing a lot of change and uncertainty. We don’t just ‘go back to how things were’ overnight (and perhaps we shouldn’t go back to how things were, but that’s for a different post). As we begin to recover from the last few years, a part of our healing is dependent on community and how we show up for each other. For leaders, this will continue to necessitate patience, empathy, and a lot more understanding.